Armin's Christmas
by PrincessCeliel
Summary: It seems like everyone has problems, and Armin's the only one who picks up the pieces, determined to hold the family together for another day. But when Armin had a problem that even he doesn't notice, it becomes a little too late to save him. Rated T for language, mentions of depression and suicide.


**So, originally, this was supposed to turn out really happy. It was SUPPOSED to be an Eren X Armin fic. Except, it didn't. Now I don't know what to do with my life.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own.**

"I miss you a lot." Armin whispered. He looked down at the picture of his parents, smiling back at him. "I – well, you guys are kind of lucky. Sometimes I wish that I could join you. Everything out here is crazy. I wouldn't have to deal with all of this. But I know I can't. Everybody depends on me here. They all need me."

He took a deep breath before gently tucking the picture below his pillow.

It was almost seven thirty. Armin knew that he had to shower and get ready before anyone else woke up.

When Armin was just a baby, his parents had passed away. He had been adopted by his parents' best friends, Grisha and Kalura Yaeger. They had one son, Eren, and another adopted daughter, Mikasa.

Two years ago, Grisha and Kalura had gone missing without a trace. Then, one day, out of the blue, their bodies were discovered. It had turned out that they had been murdered by a demented gang called Titans – who ate part of their victims. Most of the Titans were safely behind bars, but there were a select few who had gotten away. The one who had killed Kalura and Grisha had eluded the police for the last two years.

Two years ago, everything went to hell.

Mikasa had fallen badly sick. The doctors had no idea what had happened, or how to cure it. They were still working, always prescribing new medicines for the poor girl to take. Levi had joined the army, and been shot and killed while protecting a civilian base. His fiancée, Petra, had slipped into a deep depression. Jean had fallen off a horse and broken seventeen bones. His boyfriend, Marco, spent all his time either at work or at the hospital. Whenever anyone tried to talk to him, he always seemed like he was half paying attention. Who knew where the other half of him even was?

And Eren…poor, poor Eren. Eren had joined the army like Levi a few years back, but after his parents' death, he returned to join the detective team that was placed on their case. He was determined to bring all of the Titans to justice, whether by placing them behind bars – or killing them. He was a self-afflicted workaholic, rarely ever coming home.

Their expenses seemed to swallow up Marco and Eren's paychecks.

Armin was pulled out of his pitiful daydream when he heard Mikasa hacking from her bedroom. He hurried down the stairs and pulled out her medicines, sighing when he noted how few she had left. He wondered if there was enough to last the week – he didn't have time to go shopping.

He rushed upstairs and administered the medicine to Mikasa. She was pale and white, shivering slightly. He kept up a steady stream of light-hearted chatter, to pull both of their minds off of how fast she was deteriorating into nothingness. Mikasa had always been the strong, silent one. She had always been the one to keep him and Eren out of trouble.

"You know, I heard from Connie that he and Sasha are doing really well. Their potato farm is booming like crazy. It's really good news, because if Sasha gets pregnant again, there can't be a shortage of food. Remember what happened last time? She literally ate both Connie and us out of house and home."

Mikasa didn't answer – not that Armin was expecting her too. Armin sighed and pulled the blanket over her before leaving and shutting the door behind him.

As he stepped into the hallway, Petra's door opened up. She looked miserable.

"Petra!" Armin called softly. "Come down with me and have breakfast."

Petra gave him a stoic look. "No, thank you. I'm not hungry."

Armin sighed slightly. "Fine, but come down and keep me company?"

Petra paused, before giving a slight nod. Armin let out his breath in relief and moved downstairs.

When Levi had been alive, Petra had been, too. She had always been the happy one of the group, vivacious and beautiful. The four years ago Levi had left; she had worked tirelessly until she had met his commander. On Christmas day, Levi was surprised with a visit from his girlfriend. The day he had proposed to her, she had been bursting with happiness and spirit. Even Mikasa had seemed in better health that entire month.

Now, Armin was afraid to leave her alone, lest she slit her wrists.

An awkward silence descended upon the kitchen. Armin offered Petra some toast, but she shook her head. He was about to start another conversation urging her to visit a doctor when he heard someone trying to sneak out the door. Only one person ever tried to sneak out –

"Marco!" Armin called. "Come on in. Don't you want breakfast before you go?"

"No." Marco said shortly. He seemed to realize how rude he'd sounded, because he took a deep breath, and amended, "Thanks, though. I've got to go. I want to visit Jean before work starts."

"Here." Armin was on his feet in an instant. "Take some food with you. I'm sure Jean will appreciate something that isn't hospital food."

Marco gave a half-smile. "When he's finally released, I know I can count on you to take care of him."

Armin stuffed a bunch of food in a bag and handed it to Marco with a reassuring smile. "Don't worry; I'll make sure your boyfriend has enough greens and fruits in his diet. Just – make sure you do, too, won't you?"

Marco nodded before ducking out.

Armin moved to sit across from Petra again.

"You know what I really want?" Petra asked softly. Armin looked up at her seriously. Petra rarely spoke, and when she did, she never revealed her real thoughts.

"What?" Armin encouraged.

"I want a real Christmas." Petra murmured. Her voice was gravelly. She looked at the ground, as though she was ashamed of her words.

"A real Christmas would be great." Armin agreed. "We haven't had one since –"

Petra nodded, so Armin let the rest of the sentence fall.

Armin nibbled at his toast while Petra looked around. After a moment, she stood up.

"Petra, wait!" Armin spoke up. She turned to him, never quite fully meeting his gaze. "Uh – do you think you could check in on Mikasa? Make sure she's alright?"

Petra nodded. She left as silent as a ghost – as though she actually was one.

Armin sighed sadly. Sometimes, he felt like no matter what he did, his family would always remain the same – always mere ghosts of the past. He thought of his parents, wondering if they were proud of him or wanted him to make more out of his life. He wished he knew.

Armin sat down and got to thinking. Christmas…a real Christmas.

…

Two weeks later, Armin grinned proudly at his creation. December 25th was almost around the corner, barely a week away. In the living room, smack dab in the center, stood a six foot tall tree. It was covered from top to bottom in Christmas lights, ornaments, decorations, and food.

It had taken him a while to track down a place near his home that sold Christmas trees, and then another two days to convince Connie to let him use his truck. Within another few days, Armin had called up both Eren and Marco's work offices, confirming that neither worked on Christmas Eve nor Christmas Day, so he could call out any and all excuses.

Jean had come home from the hospital the next day, so he'd waited until a week before Christmas to pick out the tree, buy some inexpensive ornaments, and…deck the halls.

Armin heard the door jingle, so he stepped into the kitchen.

Marco walked in purposefully. "Hi, Armin, how's Jean – whoa."

Armin couldn't keep a grin off his face as Marco inspected the tree. He turned to Armin with the most genuine smile he had worn in months. "Armin, did you do this? It's beautiful!"

"There's even an angel on the top." Armin said smugly. It was once a tradition to have an angel on top of the Christmas tree, to protect and watch over all of them.

"Jean has to see this!" Marco decided. He dropped his briefcase on the table and hurried upstairs.

His ecstatic exclamations could be heard echoing throughout the small house. It wasn't long before Petra hurried down the stairs, worried something was wrong. When she saw the tree, her face was an unreadable mask.

She moved over to Armin and threw her arms around his neck. "You're bringing Christmas."

Armin patted her back comfortingly. "Christmas always comes, whether or not we have a tree."

Petra gave him a dazzling smile, before moving to stand under the branches. She touched some of the ornaments, lost in memories of the past.

"Wow! That is one big tree." Jean commented. He gave Armin a pained smile, wincing as Marco jostled the wheelchair. "It's also incredibly hideous, but I can overlook that."

"Jean!" Petra scolded.

Armin marveled at how much they sounded like they had before anything had ever gone wrong.

He brought down a blanket and pillow and set it up on the couch, before moving upstairs to Mikasa's room.

"Mikasa? There's something downstairs that I really want you to see. Do you think you can come down? You can stay there for a while."

Mikasa blinked up sleepily at him, before coughing wildly. After her hacking subsided, she painstakingly sat up.

Armin helped her down the stairs and over to the couch. He wrapped the blanket around her and watched as she stared at the tree in wonder.

The door opened, and Armin turned to greet Eren.

Eren gave everyone a small smile, before immediately turning and walking upstairs to his bedroom/home office.

"Eren, wait! Check out the tree!" Marco called.

Eren didn't reply, already up the stairs.

Armin let out a disappointed breath, but he turned back to the rest of his family. "Guys, how about having a Christmas party?"

"Really?" Petra breathed. "With all of our friends?"

Armin nodded enthusiastically.

Petra grinned, before standing up. "I'll be back. I'm…I'm….I'm going to visit Levi."

Armin exchanged a meaningful glance with Marco. Petra hadn't been to Levi's grave since the funeral.

Marco and Jean spent the rest of the day talking animatedly. Armin was thrilled to see Marco whole-heartedly engaged in something, and even Jean seemed in better spirits. Mikasa had fallen asleep, but Armin noticed that she hadn't coughed once after coming downstairs.

He wondered if there really was such a thing as a Christmas miracle.

Armin made some hot chocolate and headed up to Eren's room. He knocked on the door once before entering.

"Hey, Eren. Have you eaten anything in the last two days?" Armin teased lightly, handing over the mug.

Eren gave Armin a grateful look. "I'm close to finding these guys. And once I find the Titans, I swear, I'm going to destroy them."

Armin rolled his eyes and collapsed on Eren's bed. "You're so hell-bent on that. Why don't you come downstairs and actually breathe once in a while?"

"What about you?" Eren countered, turning back to his notes.

Armin sat up. "What are you talking about?"

"Well, you're so busy always taking care of us. What do you really want, Armin? Have you ever thought of that? Why don't you do what you really want?" Eren challenged.

Armin glanced at the ground. "What if what I really want takes me away from everyone here? Who'll do all the work that I do? You? I mean, I have to take care of Mikasa and Jean, and keep Marco from worrying himself to death, and help Petra, and make sure you remember to eat. Who'll do all that?"

Eren turned around and gave Armin a sympathetic look. "I don't know if we'd be able to get along without you, but sometimes I feel as though we're really holding you back."

Armin shrugged. "Nah."

"Still." Eren insisted. "Here, that'll be my Christmas present to you. You do whatever you want, and I'll take care of everything here. If you want to go to college, or move away, or get a job or whatever. I'll watch over things here while you do."

"You couldn't handle it." Armin laughed.

Eren gave him a serious look. "Probably not. But it would be worth it if you got you wanted for once."

…

Christmas Day dawned bright and early. Armin was up before six, preparing the food, cleaning the house, and making sure everything was perfect. Marco and Petra came down not long after, and with the three of them, everything got done much faster.

Petra helped Mikasa do her hair, smiling and humming under her breath. Mikasa barely coughed, and it seemed like she had more energy within her. She smiled and looked around, taking everything in. For the first time, it felt like she was actually _there_.

Petra wore a light gray dress. Her hair was washed and done in an elegant bun. She might have not been exactly the way she was before, but it felt like she was making progress.

Marco and Jean were both in high spirits, both grinning and smiling at everyone.

Connie and Sasha had arrived, Connie beaming in excitement about his wife's pregnancy, Sasha eyeing the food.

Even Eren made an appearance, although he fled back upstairs after a few minutes.

The party was a huge success – but Armin felt as though there was a gray storm cloud over it all. He couldn't get what Eren had said out of his mind. What did he really want?

Did he want the Christmas party? Did he really want to help his family for the rest of his life?

Tiredly, he retired to his room. He pulled out the picture of his parents.

What did he really want?

_I want to be with my parents._

Eren would take care of his family. He didn't have to worry about them anymore. So what was holding him back?

Nothing, he decided. He was finally going to get the Christmas present he'd dreamed of since he was five years old.

With a shaking hand, Armin grabbed a razor from his bathroom. He sat on the floor, leaning on his bed. With his parents' picture clutched in one arm, he slashed.

Three red lines appeared on his wrists. He made another slash, watching the blood run down his arm. It was funny. It didn't even hurt.

"Hey, Armin, could you ask everyone to quiet down? I'm trying to – Armin, oh my god! What do you think you're doing?"

Armin tried to focus on Eren, but the world was already spinning.

"You promised," He managed to whisper. "You said you would take care of everyone. I'm finally getting what I want."

The last thing he felt was Eren frantically shaking him. "Armin, are you crazy? No! Wake up! Wake up!"

And everything went black.


End file.
